Humor

 

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

 

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You may be getting older:

When your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

When getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.


When "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

When an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

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I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.  I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.  SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED LAKE FOREST HIGH SCHOOL ...

'YES. YES, I DID.  HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1962.. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

From David Dabney
 

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

From Judy Dionne Day

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 And that's how the fight started.....

From Judy Dionne Day

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